I don’t know how I always manage to make myself get sad around this time. I wish he was here. I don’t know if he likes me as much as I want him to. Why do I like him at all in the first place? He’s been pretty shitty to me. If I’m completely honest with myself, I only like him for his looks. That and the way he plays the piano. Those are his only positive attributes. But still. I like him a lot more than I should. I’m almost certain he’s already planning on cheating on me though. Somehow, I don’t really care. I just like the fact that he likes me enough to stay with me. God, I’m pathetic. I know. It’s like I’ve lost all sense of self respect these past couple weeks. She probably thinks I’m pathetic too. It made my heart drop a little, typing her name. Stephanie. I am terrified that I’m going to run into her in places, to be honest. I went to the store she works at a couple weeks ago because my friends wanted to go, and I almost had to see her. I don’t know if she saw me (or if that even was her), but either way I still felt horrible. I am just pathetic. Pathetic pathetic pathetic. I’ve been so sad lately. I think it’s partly because of him, and partly because I’ve hardly left the house these past couple of weeks. This summer needs to end.
Back to him though. Sometimes, I still get these waves of hatred at the thought of him. I want to destroy him, absolutely rip his heart into shreds. But when I talk to him, those feelings vanish. It’s the strangest thing. I don’t know, maybe there’s a part of me that just wants to see him suffer, and that’s why I’m doing this relationship. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling my friends (or hinting at) and myself in order to not feel like such a loser. I don’t know. I think I’m too nice to people who are shitty to me.
I want to meet new people.