나도 나를 모른다.
정말 오랜만에 글을 써본다.
언어라는게 정말 신기하다. 한국말로만 묘사할수 있는겄이 있고 영어로만 되는게 있다. 오늘 기분이 그렇네. 한국어로 글을 조금 더 잘쓸수있으면 좋겠다. 맞춤법도 모르고 말도 딱히 잘하는게 아닌데 머리속은 정말 복잡하다. 요즘들어 생각은 영어보다 한국말이 더 편하다. 정말 이상하다.
그애를 생각하면 떨리는것보다 증오하는 기분이 먼저 든다. 아니, 전혀 떨리지가 않는다. 나도 정말 나쁜사람은 맞는겄같다. 그애에 대한 상상은 거의항상 복수에 대한 생각으로 끝이난다. 그애를 좋아하지는 않는것같다. 그런데 그애가 문자를 안하거나 나한테 무심한 태도를 보이면 속이상한다. 나도 모르겠다.
It’s almost 5 am
and I’m still awake
and sad again
I think I am afraid of feeling things
Maybe that’s why I feel so wretched
I don’t even know what I’m sad about after all
I’m just really afraid that I’m going to feel completely awful if I let myself feel though
I don’t believe in love tbh
I guess I’m a little too young to be saying stuff like that, and I really haven’t been in many relationships either. But I don’t know, based on the people around me, I don’t really believe in the idea of love anymore. At least, not the eternal love stuff. I think it does exist temporarily, maybe a couple years.
My parents’ marriage seems to be going downhill and honestly, I think it’s best for the two of them to split. Except I don’t know what either of them will do by themselves. My mom will probably move back to Korea and my dad will probably become an alcoholic (he’s pretty close to it as is tbh). I don’t know. I have not seen them even holding hands for as long as I can remember. I don’t believe either of them love each other anymore. My mom and I had a talk a few nights ago, and she told me that love doesn’t last forever. Which pretty much tells me that she doesn’t love my dad. She seems so unhappy. Well, not exactly unhappy I guess, but the happiest she could be.
I’ve been thinking lately, do I love him? I tell him I love him, but I don’t think I do. I thought I did for a second when he first told me, but I really don’t feel it anymore. I know it’s just infatuation. It’s nothing like what I felt for Carlos. Even to this day, thinking of Carlos makes me tingle in ways that Richard never could. I guess I really was in love with Carlos. Sometimes I think I am in love with Richard, but other times our history makes me cringe. Plus I also promised myself that I would never fall in love with him. Ever. I am going to remove his heart and rip it to shreds someday.
Thinking about Carlos is making me cry. I haven’t spoken to him since the night he called me about a week after I had broken up with him. I have never cried in my life as much as I did that night. I miss him terribly. I know through experience now that it is going to be incredibly difficult to find another guy who will cherish me as much as he did. He genuinely loved me, and I loved him the same back. I don’t know what made me stop, he never did in the time we were together. Actually, I think I lost feelings for him long before I ever broke up with him. I could never break up with him because the idea of breaking his heart was too much. Apparently he has a new girlfriend now, and I’m trying to be happy for him because he really deserves it. But it’s really hard not to feel a little bit of jealousy though. I saw a picture of them together and I wonder what it would have been like to be in her place. I’m a bitch, I know. I don’t even deserve a person like Carlos.
I don’t know if you want to do this anymore. I’m not even sure if I want to do this anymore. I don’t know. I’m tired of trying
I don’t know how I always manage to make myself get sad around this time. I wish he was here. I don’t know if he likes me as much as I want him to. Why do I like him at all in the first place? He’s been pretty shitty to me. If I’m completely honest with myself, I only like him for his looks. That and the way he plays the piano. Those are his only positive attributes. But still. I like him a lot more than I should. I’m almost certain he’s already planning on cheating on me though. Somehow, I don’t really care. I just like the fact that he likes me enough to stay with me. God, I’m pathetic. I know. It’s like I’ve lost all sense of self respect these past couple weeks. She probably thinks I’m pathetic too. It made my heart drop a little, typing her name. Stephanie. I am terrified that I’m going to run into her in places, to be honest. I went to the store she works at a couple weeks ago because my friends wanted to go, and I almost had to see her. I don’t know if she saw me (or if that even was her), but either way I still felt horrible. I am just pathetic. Pathetic pathetic pathetic. I’ve been so sad lately. I think it’s partly because of him, and partly because I’ve hardly left the house these past couple of weeks. This summer needs to end.
Back to him though. Sometimes, I still get these waves of hatred at the thought of him. I want to destroy him, absolutely rip his heart into shreds. But when I talk to him, those feelings vanish. It’s the strangest thing. I don’t know, maybe there’s a part of me that just wants to see him suffer, and that’s why I’m doing this relationship. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling my friends (or hinting at) and myself in order to not feel like such a loser. I don’t know. I think I’m too nice to people who are shitty to me.
I want to meet new people.